Wow. I've had a really tough couple of days so far this week. That wasn't the plan. Things were all hunkydory and lovely. I've been feeling happier than I have done for a very, very long time. We've been making big changes and big stuff happen in our lives. It's been exciting to feel in charge again. All good.
But then I suddenly had the 'big feeling of doom' that I often get when something, somewhere is not right. It drives me mad if I can't pinpoint what it is because often I start looking in the wrong place and my mind is a very overactive mind and quickly goes from one thing to a completely blown out of proportion other. And that's dangerous. Anyway, after getting very upset this evening because I'd been unreasonable when my children wouldn't go to sleep (yes, it's annoying but they are only little and like their parents they have overactive minds too and needed to do lots more thinking before sleep would come!) and that isn't how I like to be as a mother. I was all stressed because I had all this stuff to do for a big new project. Plus I hadn't done my Davina DVD yesterday as they didn't go to sleep then either, so I wanted to do that too. And then the house needed tidying. And dinner needed cooking. And this project was just looming like a big huge worry.
And then, I thought stop. Hang on. I'm trying to force this project to fit into 2012 when so many things are telling me it's not right for now. It is right for me but it's not right for me at the moment. It doesn't fit with what I want this year to be for me and my family. It will be a beautiful project for a time when I have more time. Other things are important for now.
I am now sitting in my office feeling such an overwhelming sense of relief. I'm not worrying about the money the project would have brought in. I'm not worrying about letting anyone down. I'm not worrying about feeling like I've failed. I am just feeling like I have just worked out what's been making me so stressed out. And now I've decided to put it to one side for this year, I can be all happy that it's May again. I am so glad that I am learning to say no to things more and more. To step back to to work out if something really is right rather than taking on things all the time and then burning out.